Isn't is interesting how great you feel when someone you care about offers a sign of appreciation? Isn't is depressing how easy it is for someone to cheapen that feeling by making the appreciation seem fake, or by communicating it ineffectively?

At Consultants Camp last week, I was able to witness some long time friends appreciate one another in many ways. As we talked about the effectiveness of appreciation, I noted a couple of interesting dynamics about appreciation, and the subtle ways we can reduce it.

Appreciation degrades the less personal it is.
Look at the following progression. Notice the use of pronouns and Doug's name. Michael Dedolph gave the group these examples using Doug Hoffman as his example.

• "I appreciate you..."


• "I appreciate Doug..."


• "We appreciate Doug..."


• "I wanted to thank all of you..."

The further down the list we move, the less personal the appreciation becomes. In the first one, it's me talking to you. In the second one, it's me talking about you (less powerful then me talking to you). In the third, it's no one talking about you ("we" is vacuous - it implies that no single person appreciates you, and thus no one appreciates you). And in the fourth example, it's me talking to no one ("all of you" is vacuous - it shows value for no one in particular, and thus no one).

Appreciate degrades as distance of the speaker increases.
Look at the following progression. This time, notice the distance of the speaker or the medium of communication.

• I'm standing in front of you, face to face.


• I'm standing next to you, perpendicular to you.


• I'm across the room.


• I'm on the phone.


• I send a hand written note.


• I send an email to you.


• I send an email to a group.

The first example is the most powerful - face to face communication. The second example is what Rick Brenner called the classic "man stance"; this way two men don't have to stand face to face but can still communicate effectively. Still effective, but less effective then standing face to face.

Now, imagine how you feel when someone across the room says something in appreciation. Does it feel the same as when they stand right next to you? For me it doesn't. As soon as there is a physical separation between me and the speaker, I start to wonder if they are sincere (unless I'm already close with the speaker and know better). I've encountered this suspicion with past managers when they attempted to offer appreciation at meetings - it appears forced.

After that the medium changes to the phone. This can still be effective, but it's less effective then when you are actually looking at someone and have a physical connection. We then move away from spoken communication entirely and enter the shady world of written appreciation. Now, many times I like hand written notes of appreciation, except when they are formulaic, like a thank you for a wedding gift. You know 300 other people got a similar card, social convention dictates that you get one.

Now this raises another dynamic, and that is that other people appreciate things differently. My wife gets upset if she doesn't get the thank you for the wedding gift. She's aware of it while I'm not. To her, it says something else. Which shows that these dynamics apply to each person differently. While I may be aware of how I like to receive appreciation, I need to be aware that others need to be appreciated in their own way, not mine.

When's the last time you told someone you appreciate them for something they've done or for just being the person that they are?

At CAST, I asked James Bach what he meant when he wrote "struggle with difficult problems" on a flip chart (forgive me for not giving more context - it's not important). It seemed vague to me. Too much like a hand wave for what seems to be a complex and difficult thing. As part of his answer, he told me to blog about how I struggle with my difficult problems.

Well, that's a difficult problem.



I don't know how I struggle with difficult problems! (Of course, as soon as I type that I hear Michael Bolton saying, "You apply heuristics; it's just that you're not particularly conscious of them.")

So, I'm going to blog about my struggle with not knowing how I struggling with difficult problems to illustrate how I struggle with difficult problems. All the events in this posting take place in real time.

1) I guess I plunge into the problem. Here I am writing about struggle with difficult problems without any up front thinking about how I struggle. I find it helpful to attack a problem that faces me head on. I want to bang my head against it until my head hurts, and then I'll stop.

2) I think about how I've dealt with similar problems in the past. I do this by searching my blog and other writings, scanning my bookcase (which clues me into past problems), and searching my email folders (many times I save emails with insightful answers and stories from friends).

3) In most cases I find that it clarifies my mind to write about what's troubling me. So, as you can see, I'm following that pattern right now.

4) Many times I check the Google global-super-mind to see how others have solved the problem I'm working on. If necessary, I'll let Amazon.com serve as a trusted advisor and I'll purchase a couple of books on the topic.

5) Sometimes, I just need time to think. I just caught myself staring out the window at a tree thinking about how I solve problems. Well, sometimes I stare at trees. I find that getting outside and doing something else for a short time allows me to focus my thinking with a new energy. After reading Life 2.0 I convinced myself to buy a kayak for just this reason.

6) I feel like I need to talk to someone. Right now I'm carrying on a conversation in my head with various people asking them how they solve problems. They all tell me different things based on how I imagine they solve problems. This is helpful for me to generate ideas for how I might solve this problem. Even better then talking to myself, I like to talk to someone else. Just articulating the problem for someone else can often give insights (another reason I like to write about problems). If you're lucky, they can point you in a new direction for a possible solution.

7) Sometimes, I draw a picture. I regularly diagram systems, draw mind maps, and sketch out relationships between objects and events. I would like to get better at this, but I practice on a regular basis - so I imagine it will get easier with time. Drawing a picture has a similar effect as writing about or talking about a problem. Only in this case, it helps identify the interactions and relationships.

8) If by this point I still don't have anything, I fall back on NLP. I try to answer the questions:

• What is missing from this problem definition that might be causing me problems?


• What is distorted in this problem, and presented, without adequate definition?


• What is generalized in this problem and what is implied by that generalization?

I find that this helps me refactor the problem into something simpler. Or, many times, if gives me a different problem that I need to solve before I can solve the larger first problem.

I'm sure I do more, I just don't know what. Perhaps I'll get the kayak out on the water and I'll have an insight. If not, that's ok too.